Depression:

The Loss of Hope and Purpose.

Depression, it’s an ugly word isn’t it? An ugly word to describe an ugly emotional state of mind. Yet, despite its ugliness, depression has a face that many of us will stare deeply into the dark eyes of, at least once in our lives – unfortunately.

Of course, depression affects individuals in different ways, at different times and at varying degrees and intensities. Depression is not a one size fits all thing. There may be common symptoms that lead to its diagnosis, but for the most part, my depression will almost certainly be very different from yours.

However, more often than not, low’s and bouts of depression come in ‘phases’, you may find you can go months, maybe even years being absolutely fine until one day – it all comes crashing down before you.

Depression, I find, can be described much like a storm brewing in the distance. You can see the sky darkening, the greying of the clouds, you hear the howl of the wind, and you can feel the pressure building in the air around you. It’s creeping towards you, slowly; you know it is but there’s absolutely nothing you can do. The storm is coming and it’s coming for you.

Then, when it finally does arrive, it’s just as horrible as you knew it was going to be – sometimes even worse. The storm comes and with it, it brings the darkest clouds and the heaviest rains, and when it rains – nobody wants to go outside.

As if this wasn’t enough, the dark clouds of depression also have a very nifty way of digging up all the uncertainty in your heart. It digs up all the insecurities and fears we all carry, the ones most of us usually do so well to hide or at least; not think about too much. Depression digs them all up from the deepest pits of our being and throws them in our face as if to mock us.

When people become depressed, the darkest and most displeasing or unattractive, aspects of ourselves become magnified by our internalized sadness, until that’s all we can see. Depression manages to do this so well and so efficiently, that we start to believe that other people must see these things too.

Depression sucks out every last drop of motivation, creativity, energy and charisma from our souls, it bleeds us dry of all the qualities and traits we once had that kept us going. It takes from us the things that made us good at our job, or good in school, what made us a loving partner or a caring parent. Depression will come and take all those things away from you and leave you feeling empty and alone, a mere shell of your former self.

It’s because of this that you start to distance yourself from the people, places and things you loved. You separate yourself from the people you love not because you no longer love them but because you feel like you’re no longer worthy of the love they have for you, and that they’re so much better off without you.

You stop going to class, you slack at work, you stop going to the gym, you stop eating as well (or at all), not because you don’t want to, but because you feel that you’re not worth all the effort and care you once put into yourself.

That’s what depression does, it lies to people and tells them that they’re worthless, that they’re lazy, that they’re useless, talentless, loveless and beyond repair. Depression makes us lose hope in ourselves and in our abilities. That’s probably the most dangerous thing about depression, it takes from us two key ingredients needed to live a happy and fulfilling life – hope and purpose.

It’s a two-way street, you lose purpose so you lose hope, you lose hope so you lose purpose. As human beings, it is in our nature to want to do. We are people of action and movement and progression. We like things to move forward, we like things to be bigger, better, to be faster and stronger. We want things to improve and to prosper, especially ourselves but depression takes this drive away from us and leaves us too scared and fragile to do anything.

The most debilitating thing about depression is the unrelenting cycle it tends to land you in. The cycle usually begins shortly after the storm has arrived and the clouds above have started to rain on what often feels like only you.

The cycle of depression is one that begins with confusion, the confusion brought by not really knowing what to do about the storm that has just arrived at your doorstep so unexpectedly.

The cycle of depression.

Following the confusion comes fear, fear of the unknown and fear of being consumed by your own sadness. When depression has struck fear into your heart and mind is when it starts to break you down piece by piece – you become immobile. You stop doing the things you used to do that gave you fulfilment and you stop going to the places that once brought you joy.

Before you know it, you haven’t been to university in weeks, your partner has started to stray from you, your diet has gone out the window, you’ve alienated yourself from all your friends and you’ve lost your purpose. Once your purpose in life has been lost, once those things that kept you going have been taken away from you – that’s when you lose hope and losing hope is a very, very dangerous thing. After all, what do we have to live for if there’s no hope?

Hope is what fuels us and keeps us going. Hope is what tells us that if we maintain our purpose and practice, we’ll get better, if we work hard, we’ll do well and if we love, we shall be loved in return. Depression takes this hope and purpose away from us, it strips us bare and leaves us naked in the street.

The cycle has begun; you feel your life spiralling out of control at a speed so fast you didn’t even see it coming. As the days go on, you don’t open your curtains to look outside because it reminds you that the world is doing just fine without you. You stop looking at the time because it doesn’t matter anymore, the face of the clock just tells you how much time you’ve wasted doing nothing and how much time you have left being nothing.

Depression is a liar, it lies to you and it lies to me – it lies to us all. The best you can do is not to listen to and definitely, whatever you do – do not believe the frightful things depression whispers to you in your darkest hours.

Much like a storm, depression may last a long time but it won’t last forever. Eventually the skies will brighten, the wind will cease, the pressure will go down and the clouds will break and the sun will shine through. You may not be able to make it happen but when it does happen, it will be wonderful because it’ll be like seeing the sun shine for the very first time.

Don’t lose hope.